Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I blog because I'm a hobby-less woman.

Parenthood reached a new level of weird as I watched Eliza find her seat on the stand this past Sunday. It's strange to have a child old enough to participate in a primary program. I don't have a memory of taking my first steps or saying my first words but I definitely remember primary programs, the first day of preschool and the other milestones that Eliza continues to clear.
"Heavenly Father chose Jesus to help us return to heaven."
- her speaking part

"Mama, I have to go to the bathroom... RIGHT NOW!!"
- the words she whispered
mid-way through our program.

When do childhood memories begin? I wish I had a say as to which memories my children file away and more importantly, the ones that ought to be deleted; but I realize that the only thing I can control is myself. And to be honest, in recent days, I've found myself kneeling down and asking my children to forgive my harsh tone, the fact that dinner came from the freezer (again) and/or my slow response to their request/need.

Life has given me so much and at times I'm swallowed up by the guilt that I'm not worthy of these gifts or I give into a fear that life will balance out all this goodness with a horrific tragedy/trial of sorts. That mindset is not right. Tell me please. How do you overcome adversarial inspired fear?

To find my motherly peace, I'll continue to find that extra moment for Henry, pray for an increase of patience when Lottie's demands seem overwhelming and act on the impulse to join Eliza at the table for a jigsaw puzzle or craft. I'm thankful the parental task isn't mine alone. I love Andrew for willing hands that take over when I'm feeling burned out and for the attention he lends the kids when I'm ready to flush myself down the toilet.

More than that, I love that he shares in the delight that comes from watching our four year old sing her heart out during a primary program. I love the tone of voice he reserves specifically for Lottie as well as his shocked expression when she suddenly fills her diaper. I love his compassion for the sleeping toddler who has just rolled out of his bed and needs help finding his way back to his pillow.

As I observe the trials of family and friends, I feel heart sick. The perspective they lend me enables me to evaluate my responsibilities, repent and count each blessing. And while I feel helpless that I can not ease or remove their hardships, I offer my testimony that the Savior can and that developing and nurturing our personal relationship with Him is the best we can do.

I know my Savior Lives. That was the theme in Primary this year. Serving as the primary chorister has been so much fun (for lack of a better word). As challenging as it is to focus on the choir when you have your own little sunbeam participating, I have to say that the memory of last Sunday's program is one I'll always cherish.

As the children took their turn walking to the podium to give their speaking part, one four year old boy animatedly "shot down" each passerby with his make believe firearm; his accompanying sound effects were likewise memorable. Enjoyable as it was to watch him, the highlights for me were:
  1. Eliza's bright expression as she sang.
  2. The smile my husband offered as I led the congregation in a hymn. Which, I might add, was followed by another moment of absolute weird as I realized he was sitting with our TWO other children.
  3. The duet between the teachers and children. I was covered, head to toe, with goosebumps as the children sang out,

"I need your love
I need your light
to show me how to be like Jesus

The Savior's love
will light the path
to lead me safely home."

- Teacher, Do you love me?
Children's Songbook, pg. 178


Heidi said...

I will leave my post about your new little one here, just to make sure that you get it because I don't know if you check old comments. I have to say that I am impressed that as a mother of 3 you have posted so much. I barely got the one done!
OH she is so cute! Yes, Abbie and Lottie do have the exact same birthday! How cool is that! October 18, 2010 is a very special day! Not only that, they have the same middle name! They are bound to be great friends. All we need to do is end up in the same place, or spend a lot of time at grandmas' houses! Ha ha ha! Love ya! Congrats!

rachel.a.rasmussen said...

You are not a hobby-less woman and I LOVE your blog!