Monday, September 1, 2014

trying to balance, falling on your face

I've determined, once again, that Motherhood is difficult. I'm not going to sugar coat it, friends. Life right now is challenging. And sometimes, because of how challenging it is, I cry.

Having small babies at home, you learn right away, is exhausting. However, in that phase... time is still your own. Well, kind of. It's a shock to the system when you go from being the one to call the shots  in your adult centered life to suddenly be the one to take orders from a newborn baby. Aside from the visits to the doctor, you don't have many "have-to-do's." It took time, but I adjusted to that phase and found joy there. Love sees you through. Is that right, Hallmark? Well, something like that happens. 

And although I currently have a baby and a toddler, I also have "big kids" which has me placed in a new, tricky, phase. At least that's how it feels. One day, I will no longer be required to buckle my kids in car seats, haul strollers or wipe stinky baby bottoms. A short while later, all of my children will be in school and I am told that I will have hours to myself each day! When I get to that point, will I absolutely love it? Will it break my heart? Don't get me wrong, dear reader, I am in no hurry, dear reader, to reach that place because I hear that when you do, your kids are grown and moved out five minutes later. Is it all a moot point because life will replace the obligations associated with small children with something that's equally demanding? Will I freaking exercise?! Please tell me, future Ali, that you do this.

As I glance at my calendar and take in my children's extracurricular activities I feel overwhelmed. I do not feel they are personally over scheduled, but when you add up FOUR children (Forrest's extracurricular is story time each Monday with Lottie and me, cute right?)... it's overwhelming.

Schedules conflict frequently at times. You juggle the best you can and cry when you feel you've fallen short. Sometimes you cry because it seems that you constantly fail your lady friends because you chose your kids over them. Deep down, you know that missing your beautiful friend's bachelorette party so you could be with your children the night before they started school was the right thing to do. Only then, you skip out on them days later to attend the temple open house with your family. Your instagram feed, the next day, makes you feel plain awful because you clearly missed out. Even so, I hope they'll keep forgiving me. In the meantime, I'm going to try harder to be more organized and not linger in feelings of failure when I can't be two places at once. 

As for the Ogden Temple... wow, wow, wow!! We are so excited that this is "our temple." It is extraordinary!
Clearly, it was raining the night we went.
Darling cousins: Lottie and Sara
My photos don't do it's majesty justice

My sister was kind enough to organize the experience for my side of the family. Forrest did... okay. It was past his bedtime by the time we made it inside the temple. The brilliant light fixtures proved to be a good distraction from his exhaustion. Forrest is not even close to minding me. The key to this phase in his development, as I previously mentioned, is distracting him with something new when he doesn't get his way. The idea of putting him down to let him try and "walk" beside us is laughable! I don't know why I was feeling so optimistic, maybe my arms were really tired, but I decided to let him down for a minute as we made our way through the hall. That little firecracker was off in an instant! I scooped him back up and continued to point out each and every light fixture. He was cute to wave to the temple volunteers as we walked pass them. 

Lottie held her cousin Callie's hand almost the entire time. I didn't want to interrupt that. Henry stayed close to me which allowed me quick little teaching moments, which I loved. Andrew and I both agree that we felt rushed. There's so much to take in, but we take comfort in knowing we'll be back soon enough. Eliza was with her cousins but kindly obliged when I'd call her back so I could point something out to her. It was a neat experience to share with our family.

Flashback to September 2012 (click here): We tour the Brigham City Temple. Andrew was away on business so it was just me, the kids and my friend Melanie's family. Fun fact: that very morning I found out I was expecting Forrest.


*Jess* said...

hugs. Motherhood *is* hard. Every phase of childhood, from newborns to teenagers, has its own challenges. I found it hard to go from baby/toddler/preschool mom to Big Kid mom. I feel much more comfortable with the little ones. Those are easy. :) But messy :)

rachel garber said...

I'm glad you wrote this. Now that I'm elbow deep into motherhood I'm like, "Um, so will I ever maybe sleep more than two hours at a time - EVER EVER again?" I know I will. And then I know I'll miss this time. But right now as I'm exhausted and should be sleeping since Nix is sleeping, but instead catching up on blogs, I feel like I'll never sleep again. *sigh*