Weeping, Wailing & a Gnashing of Teeth

After a 10 day vacation to Utah, our family has returned to the South.

As souvenirs, I brought home:

• two travel weary, sun tanned, children.
  
• A healthier version of myself (be gone pneumonia!).
• New underwear. From the Distribution Center. Totally excited about it. Aware these sentences are incomplete.
  
• And a red camera containing 380, memory infused, stills and video.

• 

(Waiting at our nearly deserted airport, day one)

Departing my parent's driveway at 5:00 a.m. yesterday morning, I did my best to smother the raw emotion that accompanies such a parting. Painfully, I watched my 18 month old son eagerly reach out to my Mom from his car seat. It was sweet and sad at the same time. His small face was filled with yearning for the Nana who stood in her dark driveway; where she tearfully watched as we drove away. It was at that moment that I heard my Dad say the words,

"You know, you're getting better at this." I was masking my turmoil well. I wanted to correct him on his assumption but feared a weak reaction on my end. I won't see her until Christmas, you know. This will be the longest span of time that we've gone without seeing each other.

Go ahead. Throw tomatoes at your computer screen. Especially those who have served a mission, live out the country (Hi, Carrie Anne!) or who have lost someone close to them. I can't apologize for being an overly sensitive, dramatically infused female who LOVES her Mom (and family).

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I focused on the large quantity of travel that lay before me and my young family. And with that thought, we left for the airport. After crossing the country with my children ELEVEN times, I don't experience much anxiety when traveling anymore, but I have to say that there's an added measure of comfort when a dozen, fresh out of the MTC, missionaries board the plane with you. I'm just sayin.

With a sleeping child in my lap and another laying in the arms of my husband, I quietly dug through my bag, in search of my camera. I blocked out the hum of the plane and disregarded the bouts of turbulence as I clicked through each image.
Grateful beyond measure for the safe and fun filled trip to Lake Powell, I laughed aloud as I examined my still pale looking skin. No one will believe that we spent five days basking in the glorious Southern Utah sun. Thank you SPF 50 for your efficiency. My skin cancer free life sure appreciates you.

That's my daughter water skiing with Andrew. I only pee'd my pants a little. Her response, "It was scary AND fun. My eye balls fell out in the water!" Did she go willingly? Absolutely not. We may have trust issues the remainder of her life over this. Lake Powell needs a post of it's own; as well the time spent in Salt Lake. Consider this my pre-vacation recap blog. Sheesh. How pathetic am I?

Next I reviewed the pictures of me with my beautiful and charming girlfriends. I was appreciative that they took time out of their busy lives to swing by my Mom's house to say, "Hello" to me and the kids. Visiting with friends is challenging when occupied with the well being of a young child. Still, to hear their laughs and see their smiles was simply the best. Thanks again ladies!I welcomed back the lump in my throat as I reviewed the photos of my children smiling next to their cousins. Playing with butterfly nets in my Mom's backyard, swinging on the swing set, building sand castles in Powell, etc was heaven for mt kids. In the midst was a batch of photos from a visit we had with Grandma Flegal a.k.a. Grandma Popcorn.

We adore you Grandma!

***The remainder of this post will be void of photos***Explanation to follow***It okay not to care.

Our family's visit to temple square may have been the crowning event. Having explained the purpose of the temple in recent months, I had a strong desire take Eliza there before church on Sunday. Her eyes filled with amazement at the first glance. I smiled as she stretched her small body as tall as she could before exclaiming,

"Look Mom! I'm growing bigger." A moment before I had explained she had to grow bigger (like her twelve year old cousin Shipley) before entering the temple. With my Mom present, we sat in front of the Christus at the Visitor's Center. We showed Eliza the wounds in the hands and feet of our Savior. At the age of three, she doesn't understand what death is or feel gratitude for the phrase: He died for us.

However, at the age of three she comprehends that between her young self and Jesus Christ exists the most special of relationships. Her desire to one day attend the temple is growing. Skeptics may claim that we brain wash our children. I disagree. No matter how articulate or persuasive a person can be, words cannot compete with the tender feelings that consume a person's heart when gazing upon that glorious edifice. That spirit is given to those who exercise faith. Like all children, Eliza possesses that innocent, untainted by the world, faith.

The pictures displayed on my camera captured such a moment.

Yesterday's day of travel was typical. We ran our faces off to make our connection, only to find out it was incredibly delayed... but that's life. After vomiting three times after paying for parking ($84.00) we made our home. Thanking myself for leaving the house clean, we unloaded the car, found something to eat and sat down to unwind.

Eager to download my pictures from the camera to computer, I sat down and reacquainted myself with the laptop. Confusion and frustration filled me. The typically quick process was moving abnormally slow. Time passed and the downloading speed returned to normal. Trusting my inefficiency, I proceeded to erase the photos off of my card after quickly glancing through my newly created folder. To my horror (I'm totally justified to use that word. I was horrified. Totally horrified), I realized that 2/3 of my photos had not downloaded and/or saved.

I DELETED MY OWN MEMORIES. The feelings of sadness that I'd been trying to evade that day caught up to me. How could I be so stupid and self destructive? You realize, Ali, that the next time you have the opportunity to take photos of your kids in your Mom's back yard is a year away? What about the videos you captured of your kids playing with their cousins?

I wept. I wailed. Not quite sure what it means to gnash your teeth... but I probably did that too.

My (over) reaction was a culmination of waking up at 4:00 a.m, coping with the home sickness I'd been ignoring and the realization that I'm really that stupid to have been so careless. My heroic husband tried to shush me long enough to say there was hope to retrieve them. He made good on his word. He was able to get back 70% of what I lost. If we pay a company $30.00 bucks we can get the rest of them. We're hoping to find free software. Cross your fingers for us. If any computer nerds... I mean GENIUSES have any suggestions, leave a comment.

Welcoming myself back to the world of blogging, I'm signing off.